Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Civil Conversation
1. Pain and woundedness has to be voiced (by both sides)
a. voiced in such a way that there is NO
i. Accusation (you are a ____, they're just doing ___)
ii. Generalizations ("those people", "you always")
iii. Interruption of the other
b. voiced in such a way that there IS
i. "I felt hurt by....." statements
ii. "I am hurting because...."
2. Intentionally, pain has to
i. subside or
ii. be set aside (out of sincere love) so that there's space to move beyond pain into healing
3. One or both sides has to initiate listening to the other person's pain
i. Empathizing with the other person's pain
ii. The pain has to be validated
iii. And once pain is validated, the wounded must acknowledge and initiate the same gesture (if applicable)
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
A hard line to draw
We decided to take the risk and purchase a couple of rental properties this past spring, both of which reside in a lower income side of the city.
One of the properties is occupied by a self employed handyman, heavy on charisma and light on prudence. Alongside him lives his girlfriend and most recently her girls from Texas. The girls had been living with their father, who I'm told is neglectful and irresponsible. Now the four of them are finding their way through life's twists and turns.
Most recently the handyman had a job go south. His deposited customer payments were frozen in his bank account by the bank, as a result of legal action by his customer. Now the handymen, cashless, isn't paying his rent and still has outstanding work left to complete for me as well.
What to do. Do I add to his woes, knowing the impact it'd have on these 4? Knowing he's a good man, hard working, caring, down on his luck? Or do I extend my patience and disregard my desire for a monetary return on my investment, and instead invest in his life with grace?
One of the properties is occupied by a self employed handyman, heavy on charisma and light on prudence. Alongside him lives his girlfriend and most recently her girls from Texas. The girls had been living with their father, who I'm told is neglectful and irresponsible. Now the four of them are finding their way through life's twists and turns.
Most recently the handyman had a job go south. His deposited customer payments were frozen in his bank account by the bank, as a result of legal action by his customer. Now the handymen, cashless, isn't paying his rent and still has outstanding work left to complete for me as well.
What to do. Do I add to his woes, knowing the impact it'd have on these 4? Knowing he's a good man, hard working, caring, down on his luck? Or do I extend my patience and disregard my desire for a monetary return on my investment, and instead invest in his life with grace?
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The transaction of shame
Shame is handed off when an internal pain convinces the self that its inherent worth is little to nothing.
Consequently, in a gasping effort to maintain the minimum amount of self worth, we lower others to our perceived self worthlessness. Perhaps there's even a chance that the other will be lowered, to the extent that our self becomes elevated.
And we accept the message of shame, when we've forgotten who we are. What do we do when someone's shame (deserved or undeserved) blinds us from our true identity?
Last night, a next door neighbor vomitted shame over my family as he labeled, accused, and judged who we are. He was angry and felt disrespected that our kids had been climbing his trees (despite permission was his wife). Over the past 2 months, without any communication, his anger had compounded and was now boiling over.
This man clearly had some deep anger, festering in his soul. Rather than explaining to us his boundaries, showing any sign of kindness or understanding or patience or grace, he called us "you people", "out of control kids", "the only bad neighbors ever", and made us feel like totally strangers.
I didn't try defend myself, although maybe I should have given the shame he was heaping. Instead I tried to remember the truth in who I am. I am responsible, caring, intentional, a good parent and a good neighbor. This morning I'm trying to own that which is mine (our kids my have let his dog out) and demote those words which are not. Who is this man, that he thinks he knows my family?
To whom do I speak such words or have the same unspoken thoughts of?
Consequently, in a gasping effort to maintain the minimum amount of self worth, we lower others to our perceived self worthlessness. Perhaps there's even a chance that the other will be lowered, to the extent that our self becomes elevated.
And we accept the message of shame, when we've forgotten who we are. What do we do when someone's shame (deserved or undeserved) blinds us from our true identity?
Last night, a next door neighbor vomitted shame over my family as he labeled, accused, and judged who we are. He was angry and felt disrespected that our kids had been climbing his trees (despite permission was his wife). Over the past 2 months, without any communication, his anger had compounded and was now boiling over.
This man clearly had some deep anger, festering in his soul. Rather than explaining to us his boundaries, showing any sign of kindness or understanding or patience or grace, he called us "you people", "out of control kids", "the only bad neighbors ever", and made us feel like totally strangers.
I didn't try defend myself, although maybe I should have given the shame he was heaping. Instead I tried to remember the truth in who I am. I am responsible, caring, intentional, a good parent and a good neighbor. This morning I'm trying to own that which is mine (our kids my have let his dog out) and demote those words which are not. Who is this man, that he thinks he knows my family?
To whom do I speak such words or have the same unspoken thoughts of?
Monday, June 3, 2013
Lost in translation
Cha-leo (Rosalio, "Leo") and I met the first week after our move to north Littleton. He is the father of one of the kids on the local soccer scholarship team, which I'm apprenticing to coach this fall. After practice was over, we met as our kids played on the playground. In fragmented english he explained his story of having lived in Chihuahua, Mexico and being grateful to now living in America as a welder. It's been a challenging year for his family of 6, as the construction industry remains unpredictable.
I appreciated his vulnerability with me, as a complete stranger, and his acceptance of me as someone different than himself. As we ended our conversation, he invited me to join his friends and play some soccer each Sunday at 4p in Englewood.
I took him up on the invitation and arrived 15mins early that following Sunday to warm up and stretch. I hadn't played in years. Time passed and no one arrived. Was I at the right park? Did I understand his invitation correctly? It was now an hour later, and still no sign of any soccer players. I began to walk off the field, and then I noticed a few young men approaching the pitch. The game did end up happening, but at 5p. And it didn't end (or break) for another 3 hours until the sun set over the mountains. I was exhausted, and thankful. I realized I was minutes from missing an evening that enriched my week.
I was reminded that as I'm engaging something unfamiliar, I need to be sensitive to my assumptions. Even those assumptions as basic as understanding the words of another.
I appreciated his vulnerability with me, as a complete stranger, and his acceptance of me as someone different than himself. As we ended our conversation, he invited me to join his friends and play some soccer each Sunday at 4p in Englewood.
I took him up on the invitation and arrived 15mins early that following Sunday to warm up and stretch. I hadn't played in years. Time passed and no one arrived. Was I at the right park? Did I understand his invitation correctly? It was now an hour later, and still no sign of any soccer players. I began to walk off the field, and then I noticed a few young men approaching the pitch. The game did end up happening, but at 5p. And it didn't end (or break) for another 3 hours until the sun set over the mountains. I was exhausted, and thankful. I realized I was minutes from missing an evening that enriched my week.
I was reminded that as I'm engaging something unfamiliar, I need to be sensitive to my assumptions. Even those assumptions as basic as understanding the words of another.
Sun rising
All of the pieces fell into place. Our bathroom project wrapped up. A great home in the perfect location came available for sale. Our house sold quickly in a hot sellers market. And our new home finally closed, after a long wait for financing. The direction of our lives was changing from upward mobility to down-sizing our self-interests. A new day was dawning and rays of revelation were piercing a fresh into our unchecked cultural norms.
We were relocating from a large finished house, into a smaller retro home. Our new location would allow us to live next to an elementary school made up of 95% ESL students on free and reduced lunch, just a block from immigrant apartment life. The new intent for our family is to walk alongside those for whom life is difficult, and in doing so, come to know Jesus to a greater depth.
After all, Jesus has always been found incarnate among the hurting, the broken, and those struggling in disparity. And a love such as that, covers over all creation and is acutely experienced by those in need.
Psalm 50
The Mighty One, God, the LORD, speaks and summons the earth, from the rising of the sun to where it sets. The Name, is full of awe and might. He speaks and his words become alive. He summons and creation changes. His breadth covers over all the earth and no place is unknown to Him.
We were relocating from a large finished house, into a smaller retro home. Our new location would allow us to live next to an elementary school made up of 95% ESL students on free and reduced lunch, just a block from immigrant apartment life. The new intent for our family is to walk alongside those for whom life is difficult, and in doing so, come to know Jesus to a greater depth.
After all, Jesus has always been found incarnate among the hurting, the broken, and those struggling in disparity. And a love such as that, covers over all creation and is acutely experienced by those in need.
Psalm 50
The Mighty One, God, the LORD, speaks and summons the earth, from the rising of the sun to where it sets. The Name, is full of awe and might. He speaks and his words become alive. He summons and creation changes. His breadth covers over all the earth and no place is unknown to Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)